뒷골목 의사 글렌/8권

제８회 조바심

글렌은 구시가지의 진료소로 돌아왔다. 진료소는 외출 전의 그대로였다.

……새삼 보니 지저분했다. 거금이 든 케이스조차 널부러져 있었다. ４０년이나 된 낡은 건물이라고는 하나 잘 관리했더라면 조금은 나았으리라.

그러나 그는 그런 것을 할 기력이 전혀 남아 있지 않았다.

「글렌은 의사 선생님이니까 옷이나 사무실에도 신경 써야지.」

애용하는 낡은 의자에 앉아 늘어져 있자니 생전의 카탈리나가 입이 닳도록 말했던 잔소리가 떠올랐다. 발레리나였던 그녀는 사람들의 시선을 항상 의식했었다.

언제나 품위 있고 아름답고 밝았던 카탈리나. 글렌은 그에게는 없는 것을 갖고 있던 그녀에게 끌렸다. 아마 루퍼스도 그러했을 것이다.

……만약 카탈리나가 글렌이 아니라 루퍼스를 선택했었다면 어땠을까.

카탈리나가 《결정병》에 걸림으로써

발은 잃겠지만 생명을 구할 수 있었던 수술과

발은 잃진 않지만 생명을 잃을지도 모르는 수술

그것을 선택해야만 했던 그 상황.

그때 카탈리나는 발을 잃지 않는 수술을 원했고 글렌은 그것을 받아들여 수술에 임했다. 루퍼스라면 카탈리나가 무슨 말을 하더라도 반드시 살 수 있는 수술을 했을지도 모른다.

그랬다면 발을 잃었다 해도 카탈리나는 살아서 발레 대신 무언가 멋진 꿈을 찾아내 행복하게 살고 있었을지도 모른다.

「만약」이란 이야기가 의미가 없다는 것은 글렌 자신이 가장 잘 알고 있었다. 하지만 카탈리나가 목숨을 잃고 1０년 동안 이것을 생각하지 않은 날이 없었다. 이런 후회가 항상 그의 안에서 소용돌이 쳤다.

──에메리아 병원에서 돌아는 왔지만 글렌의 마음은 폭풍 치는 바다처럼 울렁댔다.

《결정병》 환자를 본 탓일까. 환자인 소년에게 버릴 수 없는 꿈이 있어서일까. 한때 친구였던 루퍼스와 재회했기 때문일까. １０년 전의 그 일과 비슷한 일을 마주하다 보니 뒷골목 의사 일에 열중해 그간 잊고 있던 것을 한 번에 떠올렸기 때문일까.

이유가 뭐든 그는 초조했다.

글렌은 책상으로 가서 두 번째 단의 서랍을 열었다. 무거운 감촉을 느끼고 잡힌 것을 꺼내자 낡고 두꺼운 파일이 모습을 드러냈다.

제목이 붙어있진 않지만 방대한 종이 뭉치가 껴있는 것을 보면 고작 １-２년 사이에 정리해둔 것은 아닌 듯했다.

글렌은 잠시 조용히 파일을 보다가 갑자기 그것을 진료소 벽에 던져버렸다. 파일은 충격에 둔탁한 소리를 냈고 철했던 종이가 뿔뿔이 흩어져 바닥에 떨어졌다.

……이런 짓을 해도 기분은 나아지지 않았다. 글렌의 마음은 계속해서 어두워져 갔다.

「……선생님……？」

진료소 현관에 누군가 서 있었다. 에메리아 병원의 간호사 셰리가 다시 방문한 것이었다. 많은 종이가 바닥에 흩어져 있는 것을 보고 놀란 표정이었다.

「……수술이라면 이미 얘기가 끝났을 텐데.」

글렌은 귀찮다는 듯 셰리를 쏘아봤다. 절망이 담긴 눈에 한순간 놀란 그녀였으나 곧 정신을 차리고 당찬 표정을 지었다.

「선생님께 미처 하지 못한 말을 하러 왔습니다.」

「하지 못한 말이라고……？」

의아해하는 표정의 글렌에게 그녀는 또렷한 목소리로 답했다.

「……셰리라는 제 이름은 애칭입니다.」

「본명은……셰릴 포드.」

「《결정병》으로 목숨을 잃었던 당신의 연인 카탈리나 포드의 동생이에요.」

Chapter 8: Irritation

Glenn returned to his clinic downtown. He found the place just as he had left it. After walking through the pristine white halls of the hospital, however, he was all the more aware of how shabby and disorderly his tiny little clinic was. He glanced over to the corner where he had thrown the case full of mira. It still sat there, nestled among dusty cobwebs. Even if the building he worked out of was forty years old, it would surely be in better shape if he maintained it every now and then, and thanks to his confidentiality fees, it wasn't as though he lacked for mira.

He simply didn't have the energy for it.

'Glenn, you're a respectable doctor,' Katarina would chide him, 'You should care more about how you look.'

Her words bubbled up in his mind as he slumped down in his worn-out chair. It was something she had said to him on more than one occassion back when she was still alive. Being a ballerina, she was always conscious of her appearance, both on and off the stage.

Katarina was elegant, beautiful, and bright. She was everything Glenn lacked, which is also what attracted him to her in the first place. In all likelihood, the same was true of Rufus as well. Glenn's mind darted to another familiar thought. One he had repeatedly dwelt on for the past decade.

How would everything have turned out if she had chosen Rufus instead of him?

After coming down with crystallization, she was left with but two options: give up her legs to ensure her survival, or try to save her legs by gambling with her very life.

She chose the latter and begged Glenn to attempt the risky surgery. Though initially unsure, he eventually sympathized with her and attempted it. Had she been with Rufus, however... In Glenn's mind there was a chance Rufus would have chosen to go against her wishes in order to save her life.

If things had turned out that way, she would have survived. Even without her legs, she would still be around. She might have even found a new passion, one just as dear to her as ballet was.

Glenn knew all too well that thinking on what-ifs was utterly useless. Yet even so, he had spent every single day in the ten years since her death going over every detail, replaying every mistake, and theorizing every other possible outcome. Each day, sinking a little further into his regret until he was drowning in it--no longer able to see the surface.

Today was different, though. After returning from Emeria, Glenn's heart churned like a stormy sea. Was seeing Hugo's crystallized hands the cause? Did hearing how the boy had to choose between his dreams and his life hit too close to home? Perhaps it was simply from seeing Rufus again after all these years. Or maybe, it was all of the above. Coming up against such a familiar situation, having to relive the same traumatic events that sent him down the path to becoming a back-alley doctor.

Regardless of the cause, he was irritated.

Drawing short, ragged breaths, he went to his desk and opened the second drawer. After digging in the back for a moment, he dragged out an old, massive file. It bore no title, but one look at its size and the sheer number of papers stuffed in it was a clear sign of just how many years it took to compile.

Glenn stared at it in silence for a moment. Suddenly, a white-hot rage bubbled up inside of him and, using the full force of his brawny arms, he threw the file with all his might. It hit the wall with a dull thud, bursting open and scattering its contents all over the floor.

The outburst did not bring Glenn any peace, however. As he watched the paper flutter down before him, the only thing he felt was his battered heart breaking even further.

'Doctor?' The sudden sound of a voice from behind him snapped Glenn out of his thoughts. He turned his head to see someone standing in the hallway.

It was the nurse from Emeria General Hospital, Sherry. She looked around the room in surprise at the papers scattered across the floor.

'If this is about the operation, it was already settled. Remember?' Glenn growled in a low voice, glaring angrily at her.

She was taken aback for a moment at the darkness in his gaze, but quickly regained her composure.

'I've only come here to tell you something I'd forgotten to mention before,' she said.

'Something you forgot to mention...?' Glenn said, his patience running thin.

Glenn's furious glare would quickly transform into a bewildered expression, however, as she continued.

Sherry' is just my nickname,' she said in a firm voice. 'My full name...is Sheryl Ford. The woman you loved, the one who lost her life to crystallization...I'm her sister.'

第８回　苛立ち

グレンは下町の診療所に戻ってきていた。 中の様子は、出て行った時のままだ。

……改めて見ると、散らかっている。 大金の入ったケースですら粗雑に置かれる始末。 築４０年の古い建物とはいえ、 まめに手入れしていれば少しはマシだったろう。

だが、彼にはそういったことをする気力が 一切抜け落ちてしまっていた。 「グレン、あなたはお医者様なんだから少しは身の回りに気を使わなくてはダメよ。」

愛用のボロい椅子に座ってくつろいでいると、 生前のカタリナが口をすっぱくして 言っていたことを思い出した。 バレリーナであった彼女は、 人に見られることを常に意識していた。

どんな時でも気高く、美しく、明るいカタリナ。 グレンは自分にない物を持つ彼女に惹かれた。 恐らくルーファスもそうだったろう。 ……あるいはカタリナが、グレンではなく ルーファスを選んでいたらどうだったろうか。

カタリナが《結晶病》になり、 足を失うが必ず命の助かる手術と、 足は失わないが命を落とすかもしれない手術を 選択しなければならなかった、あの状況。

あの時、カタリナは足を失わない手術を願い、 グレンはそれを汲む形で手術に挑んだ。 ルーファスであればカタリナが何を言おうと、 必ず命の助かる手術を行なったかもしれない。 そうすれば足を失ったとしてもカタリナは助かり、 バレエの代わりに何か素敵な夢を見つけて 幸せに過ごしたかもしれない。

「もしも」の話に意味がない事は グレン自身が一番分かっていた。 だが、カタリナが命を落として１０年間、 こういったことを考えない日はなかった。 それほどの後悔の念が常に彼の中に渦巻いていた。

──エメリア病院から戻ってからというもの、 グレンの心は嵐の海のように波立っている。 《結晶病》の患者を見たからか。 患者の少年が捨てられない夢を持っていたからか。 かつての友、ルーファスに再会したからか。 まるで１０年前の再現のような状況に出会い、 闇医者業に明け暮れて忘れていたことが 一気に思い出されたからか。

とにかく、彼は苛立っていた。

グレンは机に向かい、２段目の引き出しを開けた。 重い感触を感じて掴んだものを引っ張りだすと、 古びた分厚いファイルが姿を現した。 何のタイトルもついていないが、 膨大な紙の束が挟まれているところを見ると、 １年そこらで纏められたものではないことが分かる。 グレンはしばらく黙ってファイルを見ていたが、 唐突にそれを診療所の壁に投げつけた。 ファイルは衝撃に鈍い音をたて、 綴じた紙がバラバラになって床一面に散らばった。 ……こんなことをしても気分は晴れない。 グレンの心はますます黒く濁った。

「……先生……？」 いつの間にか診療所の玄関に立っている者がいた。 エメリア病院の看護師、シェリーが 再び訪れていたのだった。 大量の紙が床に散らばっているのを見て驚いている。

「……手術の話なら、もうカタがついたはずだ。」 グレンは鬱陶しそうにシェリーを睨む。 暗澹(あんたん)としたものを孕んだ眼に一瞬驚いた彼女だが、 すぐに気を取り直し、凛とした表情を作った。

「先生に言い忘れていたことを伝えに来ました。」

「言い忘れていたことだと……？」

訝しげな表情になるグレンに、 彼女は、はっきりとした声で答えた。

「……私のシェリーという名は愛称です。」

「本名は……シェリル・フォード。」

「《結晶病》で命を落としたあなたの恋人、カタリナ・フォードの妹です。」